Weave the Web
Recording Family Legends for Generations to Come
Carol’s tribute to her Mum
There was a newsletter at Montgomery Convalescent Hospital where Mum spent the last couple of years, and every month, I would write a poem for the newsletter. In this poem, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be old and alone in a big house. What would I be thinking about? What would be important to me? -Carol
WHAT MATTERS MOST
Now that I am older what matters most
Isn’t a big car or a house at the coast.
Nor do I care much for bright diamond rings,
No, now that I am older none of these things
Brings me laughter or joy or a glimmer of hope.
All of these things might as well just be smoke.
Now that I am older what matters to me
Is the kindness of strangers and my family.
I wait by the window for my daughter to come,
She brings me a book and reads to me some.
She gives me a hug and a warm loving look,
And then turns the page and reads more from the book.
She makes dinner for us - some rice and some fish.
I can’t taste it much, but it’s her favorite dish.
She talks of her life, she has grandchildren now,
She seems happy and stronger and prettier, somehow.
The telephone rings and she gives it to me.
It’s a friend from my childhood who’s now ninety-three.
We chatter a bit, but there’s not much to say.
It’s feelings we share from far, far away.
Our memories are sweet, our bonds are strong.
Our lives have been good, mostly happy - and long.
As we talk, we both know as we near the end What matters most is our children and the voice of a friend.
Before I talk about Mum, I want to say thank you:
To Nancy: I can’t say it in enough ways. You were outstanding. Overcoming a phobia of hospitals, you were there for Mum and me. Instead of spending three days in a nightmare, you made them three days of love, remembrance and strength. Together we helped Mum do what she had to do, and together we helped each other do what we wanted to do for Mum. Thank you forever.
To Dina: You are always a source of strength for me and this time I felt your presence more than ever. I told Dang how much you love her and how thankful you are for all the love she has given you. At the beginning of your life, we needed her badly. She was there for us then and always.
To Janet ad Larry: For your words of support and most of all for being here. Mum was special in different ways to each of us but she gave all of us a wonderfully happy childhood and set us on a path toward becoming who we are today. Perhaps even more importantly, she helped to forge a bond between the four of us that is, I think, rare among siblings and something that means more to me than I can say. Your being here is a testimony to our love and solidarity for each other as much as it is to your love for Mum.
To Allan: For rising to the occasion with strong hugs and an understanding of what this loss means to me.
To Luca: Someday I will explain to Luca how he helped his Nana trough a difficult time. Luca’s joyous embrace of life was the perfect antidote to Mum’s slow letting go of it. Thank you, Luca, for being you and for loving your Nana.
I’ve saved Mum for last because I’m afraid I won’t be able to talk about her without crying. There are many reasons why I lover her so. When I needed help she provided it; she gave me freedom when I was young to explore my own possibilities, she never judged me, and even seemed to enjoy my sometimes extreme experiments with life. Most of all she gave me an inner strength that I depend on. She was always calm, always seemed to know that no matter how desperate the situation, time would take care of it. Whenever I feel desperate for whatever reason, I remember Mum, and I feel calmer and more in control.
These last years, dementia took most of her memories, but she never lost her calm dignity. She never railed against her destiny, never complained. I can no longer visit her every day, but she hasn’t gone very far. She is here in my heart and mind and will stay there for the rest of my life.
