Weave the Web

Dear Mom,

 

In trying to make this decision over whether or not to stay in school, I’ve found myself doing a lot of soul searching in an attempt to piece together  my past so I can better understand where I am now.  Ever since I entered schoolI have had pre-set systematic goals that were laid out by my teachers, my coaches, my peers, even you.  As I look back, it’s as if I’ve been riding on tracks my whole life while society navigates.  That;s not to say I never had choices;  in fact I had too many.  But even if I were to go back and revers the decisions I’ve made, Is till believe I’d be the same old moon just in a different sky.

 

This idea comforts me, for even though I do believe we are a product of our surroundings, I also believe that within that mass of external influences, there exists a void.  An empty space deep in the soul that longs to replace its box of nothing with a life of meaning.  I feel that I desperately need that meaning.  For too long I’ve been passing time just making short term goals and riding along societies track.  There was always another level of the system ahead of me so I always had a target to aim at.  Now, and I believe that this is the true reason that I didn’t take to Berkeley at first, I have no next step in sight.  I’ve spent my whole life distracted by some one else’s goals which I used to fuel my engine and keep me moving forward.  Now I stand here on the last level of what I’ve been working for and I realize that without another step to aim for, I’ve lost all desire to move on.

 

My goals all this time have been the property of the system and now I find my engine of motivation bone dry.  I guess the only thing to do, whether I stay at school or leave, is to being filling the void within and hopefully provide my life with some direction and meaning.  It’s my turn to set my own goals no matter how unorthodox and unrealistic they may be.  It’s time to jump these old tracks and get a little lost in order to eventually be found.

 

 

 

Haden left Berkeley the middle of his sophomore year to go down to Antigua as a gopher for Jay Cohen and Steve Schillinger who were starting a sports betting sit called World Sports Exchange.  Just months after arriving in Antigua, Haden answered the phone and too a sports wage.  The caller happened to be a Federal Agent.  Along with Jay and Steve, Haden was indicted by the FBI and his life of exile began.